How to Survive the Holidays in Minneapolis, MN
How to Survive the Holidays
A Perspective from a Therapist in Minneapolis, MN
This is probably the only time where I will say sex is off the table! Well, dinner table that is, or on, but not around family or at the holidays. Sex Therapist Jackie here checking in from Minneapolis, Minnesota! Hope you all are doing well and are excited for this holiday season that is upon us. I wanted to write a blog about how the fuck to get through the holiday season and different topics and tips not to discuss!!! As a sex therapist in Minneapolis, Minnesota, I totally get that sex therapy is my jam and might not be others. I know I can get too excited if ya know what I mean ;) about sex therapy in Minneapolis, MN and others may not appreciate me talking about sex while taking a bite out of their delicious turkey. My b! I wanted to be able to compile a list of different things that could be helpful with like topics not to discuss during the holidays, some helpful tips in regards to what not to say from a practicing therapist in Minnesota, how to spot passive-aggressive comments, and healthy communication skills on what the fuck to do. If you're from Minneapolis or Minnesota, in general, this could really help you live in the Midwest and communicate differently. Let’s spill the tea! But first, if you're from Minneapolis, Minnesota, or just Minnesota in general, or grew up in the Midwest, one of the first things that I want to talk about in this blog is that we can be pretty passive-aggressive as fuck!! I think it's important that we are mindful of what we say and how we say it when we're at the dinner table for holidays, even when we're cleaning the dishes, or when it comes to all the things and topics of holiday conversations.
**But wait Jackie, What is Passive-Aggressive Communication and How does it Show Up?** I got you boo, here are some examples below…
Backhanded compliments, Eg. Oh their house is lovely, for a starter home
Arriving late because you don’t respect other people’s time
Comments that are whistful, Eg. I wish I could afford a house like yours, but all my money goes to medical bills
Excluding other people from conversation, events, or anything that may be happening on purpose
Procrastination because you are angry at another person so you want to punish them secretly
Keeping a scoreboard and not letting things go
Sabotaging other people, Eg. Spreading family rumors or talking shit behind other people’s backs
Being stubborn where you defend your ideas to deliberately annoy others
Saying YES when you truly mean FUCK NO
Giving you the silent treatment or stonewalling
Being sarcastic and saying “That was a joke,”
Saying you’re not mad when you truly are
Saying whatever, it is what it is, or IDK as a deflection
Denying your own responsibility for actions
Getting it your way without taking responsibility
And much much more! These types of passive-aggressive communication styles can show up in many forms. So beware and keep reading on what is appropriate and not appropriate to discuss at the dinner table! Then communication tips from me, Sex
Therapist Jackie, further down in the blog!!
Tips on What Not to Discuss at the Holidays from a Therapist in Minneapolis
Let’s go through a list of some things that are so not cool to talk about during the holidays. As a sex therapist in Minneapolis, Minnesota, and a mental health counselor in Minnesota, I go over communication skills quite a bit with my clients and what is shame-based, and what is really going to be healthy communication. In Minnesota have we are passive-aggressive as fuck, that's not healthy at all! Here’s the dirty laundry list of what not to discuss…
One: Don’t talk about sex, sex therapy, sex therapist Jackie, sex therapy in Minneapolis, MN or sex in general at the dinner table!
Sex at the dinner table is not everyone's favorite topic or anyone's favorite topic. If I were talking about sex saying, oh my gosh, I had the best sexual experiences last week while my family is like having a bite at their Turkey at Thanksgiving dinner they would be probably like what the fuck Jackie or say come on now Jackie, you don't need to be talking about sex therapy in Minneapolis at the dinner table. I need to chill out, too.
Two: Don't comment on someone's eating habits. Don't say you eat like a bird. Don't say oh my gosh, you don't have anything on your plate. Don't say things that are really shameful with eating. You don't know a person's history. You don't know if that's a trigger for them. If you do say these things, sorry not sorry boo, if you get a defensive reaction that’s on you! It is really unhealthy and unhelpful. So if there's anything that you are saying that's unhealthy and unhelpful, don't say it at all, bite your tongue.
Three: Don't discuss politics and religion, right? I think a lot of people like to say like, oh, we don't talk about politics, religion or sex at the dinner table and everyone breaks that fucking rule. So yeah fucking right you don’t! Seriously, though, family time is the time to come together and enjoy one another's company. Don’t talk about politics, sex, or eating habits. Instead talk about things that person enjoys or show an interest in that person, even then if that other individual doesn’t want to answer your questions, they don’t have to.
Four: Don’t talk about money or finances. This is a time of year where people are shifting and figuring out what the fuck their insurance benefits look like for the next year. They're looking at their salary at the end of the year. They may be shopping for different types of Christmas presents or having to pay bills or maybe this is a high bill time for them depending on their career period. So don't discuss money. Don't discuss finances and don't ask about someone's personal finances. That's a pretty invasive topic to talk about. So just don't talk about it at the holiday dinner table or maybe even never depending on the relationship!!
Five: existing family problems. This is one where I think a lot of people think oh, this is gonna be fine. We can talk to the rest of the family about one another at Thanksgiving like it’s no big deal. Or discuss how family drama isn’t changing. Um, holiday spirit buzz kill, am I right? If nothing's changing, nothing's changing. Nothing changes when nothing changes. I love that quote, because it's so true. So why do we bring up this old shit that's not even important to us at the end of the day, right? It has no use. I think in Minneapolis and in Minnesota, we're so passive aggressive that we might try to say things that are really helpful and kind, but they come out ass backward and as a backhanded compliment. An example of this could be like, oh, yeah, we're talking about our children's starter home and we say like, oh yeah, it's just a starter home. It's a nice little starter home. That's a passive aggressive comment. It's rude. It's uncalled for and it's not nice. So make it fucking nice.
Six: Don’t complain about the food at the dinner table. Don't comment on how the food is bad or how it tastes bad. I think that's such an important thing because someone took time and energy out of their day to do something nice for you. Or someone took time and energy out of their day to run to the grocery store during a rush holiday season to cook to do some different things to put on this lovely meal. So don't talk about how bad it tastes.
Seven: Don't discuss potential future engagements or supposed marriage engagements. Don't talk or put pressure on other people to get engaged. If they've been in a relationship for years on end, the folks are content, then you may just push them away from doing that. Maybe that's not what they want to do. You may be instilling your values on those people, which isn’t cool either. As a therapist in Minneapolis, MN I talk to my clients about their values and what is important to them. I also ask how it feels when others put values on them, what are the boundaries that they need to set up? Or what are some key responses that they need to repeat over and over again to those folks or those people that may not get it or may not listen and when is the right time to walk away? As a therapist in Minneapolis, I truly believe that people have the best intentions. I also think when we don't challenge people because we're passive-aggressive and sometimes we're passive and we don't like conflict right? Then the other person doesn't necessarily understand or know that they've done something wrong. So we have to communicate we have to talk about it. We have to say things like please do not bring up the discussion of an engagement again, we are happy where we are at in our relationship and that's just fine with us. We are content.
Eight: Don't talk about potential babies in the future or children right like this is a big one. I see and hear so many parents out there that really love their kiddos want to be grandparents, but then that puts pressure on their children. You don't know if that person has ever been pregnant before and miscarried. You don't know if miscarriages run in their family, if there are infertility issues, you don't know if that person was pregnant and ever had an abortion and has some guilt and shame over that that they're working on in therapy in Minneapolis. You don't know people's stories, so don't put your values on them. You don't even know if that person fucking wants kids in the first place. So why even assume that right? You do not have the right to assume that your values are someone else's values. That's pretty fucking important when we talk about what not to discuss at the dinner table for holidays. A person could have been pregnant and then maybe lost the baby or experienced a stillborn birth and that's really hard as well. There could be so many things going on, that you don’t even know about, and it is important that you are mindful of others’ experiences with this.
Nine: Don't comment on someone's weight or appearance. This kind of goes into the eating habits right? It's so fucking frustrating and annoying when someone says have you lost weight? Or says, “Wow you look so good since the last time I saw you!!” How the fuck do you respond to that? Uhh, thanks?? As a therapist in Minneapolis and especially as a Sex Therapist in Minneapolis, it is important I share with you my looks get commented on a lot and I’m fucking over it. It feels gross, awkward, odd, and not validating at all unless it’s maybe by partner(s) or a spouse. It can come off as rude. That can be so awful and when you say oh my god you look fucking awesome or you look so hot or you look so good compared to the last time I saw you that's passive-aggressive as fuck, and that's just rude saying like, Oh, you look so much better compared to the last time I saw you Who the fuck wants to hear that like seriously? No.
Ten: Don’t talk about children. Don’t give advice on how to raise a child, unless it is asked for. If it’s not, don’t impose the ways you did it, and criticize the parents for what is working and what’s not working. There’s no perfect parent out there, so don’t be so damn tough on yours or your child who is now a parent. They're going to do what they want to do and they're going to learn on their own. So don't insert your values on another person.
If you want to have a happy holiday in Minneapolis, MN, these are definitely topics to avoid! Keep scrolling to learn about how to communicate and not reinforce passive-aggressive communication skills below.
Communication Skills for the Holiday Season in Minneapolis, MN
Let’s briefly go over shame/blame language…
Don’ts….
*Use You Language and say things like “you made me feel upset,” or “you did this to me.”
*Use Shoulds this is a mother fucking cuss word to therapists in Minneapolis. Should is an automatic shame/blame word. Paired with “You should,” like the real housewives commonly use, you’re gonna get a defensive response.
*Use the word Why this also induces shame/blame language and is going to get you a defensive reply from the other person and they’re gonna be on guard.
*Use the word But this cuts off the first part of your sentence and negates your original statement
Do’s of Healthy Communication Skills….
*Use “I” Language and say, “I feel upset,” “I am hurt by this comment,” or “This hurts me.”
*Use Could instead of should, could you please blank?
*Use How Come because this brings down someone’s guard and not have a defensive response
*Use the word And instead of but this ties your statements together
*Use I’m curious about or I’m wondering about takes a positive communication stance when wondering about something and when questions arise
Now, let’s go through some tips on how to get through the holidays and what you need to know! I got you boo! Here are some tips to break down how to make it through the Holidays in Minneapolis, MN.
Have a game plan! If you are in Minneapolis, Minnesota or if you are visiting for the holiday season, here are some questions to think about when creating a game plan. Think through how do you want to respond to passive-aggressive comments? How do you want to practice this if you’ve experienced them before?
Have a teammate! Who is your teammate, who's that person that's going to back you up and how can we talk about this prior to going to that holiday? Do I need to share this plan with my buddy? Maybe!! I encourage you to do so!
Support one another, you’re in this together! Don’t have a teammate and hear passive-aggressive comments being made? Show up for that other person that might be feeling too nervous, anxious, or worried and speak up. If you speak up they may also too!
Express how you feel in the moment. We’re working on feeling! Feeling is healing y’all!! Not talking about how you feel hurt, angry, or upset and gossiping later about this is not healthy, it’s passive-aggressive.
Here’s a cheat sheet: Say I don't appreciate the passive-aggressive comment and I feel hurt by that. My feelings are hurt and I don't appreciate it. Stand up for yourself use I language because this can really help because a person may not know depending on what they're saying and how they're saying it. That’s not an excuse either. If a person really truly loves and cares about you, they're going to try to do better. They're going to try to watch their tone of voice. They're going to try to watch passive-aggressive comments, and they're going to try to be fucking better for you because they love you and you're worth it. So don't take no ones shit!!
Don’t fight fire with fire. Please don’t get your metaphorical serpent tongues and torches out, fighting with fire doesn’t work. We’re not trying to perpetuate passive-aggressiveness, so don’t repeat the behavior. Share how you feel and use the “I” language cheat sheet above.
Self Soothe! Make sure that you take some deep breaths when you're having these different types of conversations. If you are confronting conflict, you got to do some self-soothing, you got to breathe, you got to slow down. Maybe you need a fidget maybe you need to have a cup of water next to you whatever it might be. Make sure that you take care of yourself if you are going to be addressing something that may be a small conflict or maybe a big conflict. This takes time. Make sure that you take care of yourself in order to get through that conversation because the end goal is going to be so much better than feeling like there's so much conflict that we don't talk about at all and skirt under the rug. If you’re from Minneapolis or Minnesota, you know what I mean by that, there’s passive, passive-aggressive, and absolutely no conversations at all.
Use the Beetlejuice method. What the fuck is that Jackie? Oh I love this one! This is when a person that’s nagging you won’t drop the topic, and you say your boundaries or feelings three times. Kind of like three strikes and your out rule too! When I use the Beetlejuice method three times that signals to others that I'm done talking about it.
Know when to get the fuck out and leave. If there's a certain topic of conversation that gets too heated and ask that buddy of yours to leave with you. A clear warning sign is when the conversation is going in circles and people are not respecting you or boundaries you’ve set when you don’t want to talk about something.
Walk the fuck away! When all else fails, walk the fuck away, leave, and protect your peace. This is your holiday too boo!
I hope this How to Survive the Holidays Guide was helpful! These tips can help with conversations that are off the table, spotting passive-aggressive communication, and healthy communication habits to incorporate! Please share this blog with others if you found it useful and a helpful resource or tool to get through the holidays in Minneapolis, MN.
Unfortunately, sex is going to be off the table for you and me when it comes to this holiday season in Minneapolis, MN. Boo!! That doesn’t stop me from talking about it on my Instagram Account: @sextherapistjackie check it out! Follow it, send it, like it, comment on it, and share it with whoever you know out there that would love my posts!
I also hope that all of you who are reading this have a wonderful happy holiday coming up and I am excited to continue blogging a little bit more about different types of steps and conversations and things of communication when it comes to passive-aggressiveness in Minneapolis, Minnesota in the future!
If you know of anyone that is seeking Sex Therapy Services in Minneapolis, Minnesota, feel free to pass along this information to them today! If you are seeking help with sex therapy, couples therapy, self-esteem, LGBTQIA+ & Gender-Affirming care, or anxiety, you can read more about how I can help by clicking here! If you are a therapist seeking consultation on any of these topics or want to know what it takes to open your open private practice then click here for more information on how I can help you today!
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