How To Stay Shameless In Sex, Self, & Life
What Does Stay Shameless Mean?
Hey shameless squad it’s sex therapist, coach, and consultant Jackie blogging from Minneapolis, Minnesota. I'm sipping on my amazing iced sugar-free vanilla almond milk latte from none other than Cuppa Java's coffee shop in Bryn Mawr. Happy Pride Month everyone! If you want to be able to support an LGBTQ-owned business then definitely check them out. I've also heard their chai tea latte is fabulous too. There's ample parking on the Crossroads of Penn Avenue in Minneapolis, MN and Cedar Lake Road South in Minneapolis, MN. So, let's get into this today. I want to talk to you all about how to stay shameless and what staying shameless means. For those of you that have followed me on Instagram or watch my YouTube Channel, you know that at the end of my posts and videos I say Stay Shameless. Also, thank you Shameless Squad for those who’ve supported me in business, you’re the shit!! If you wanna be apart of my Shameless Squad and know what I’m up to first, get exclusive offerings, and discounts, then sign up for my newsletter today! So, let’s jump in and spill the tea on what staying shameless means…
Staying shameless means being assertive, setting boundaries, communicating these in a shameless aka healthy way checking your defense mechanisms, and evolving for your highest good. Staying shameless means speaking the fuck up for yourself and having your own back when nobody else will. Staying shameless means protecting your energy, sexual, spiritual, mental, financial, psychological, physical, whatever!! Staying shameless means showing up as the most authentic version of yourself in front of others. Staying shameless means owning your shit and apologizing for it. Staying shameless means being present in difficult situations, doing things that scare us, expanding our comfort zone, conflicts that are not physically abusive, and tolerating any distress. Staying shameless means holding yourself and others accountable for any shameful actions, behaviors, conversations, and defense mechanisms, and challenging any negative shame cycles that may come up in society. It is also about challenging shame that arises in any situation and focusing on practicing exercises to help build confidence. It is also about sharing and utilizing shame, education, and information to help others. Staying shameless means prioritizing the relationship with yourself first, before anyone else. It means setting goals, not self-sabotaging, and sticking to them. It means spending time by yourself, dating yourself, getting to know yourself, learning your sexual body, turn ons, offs, foreplay, aftercare, etc, before a partner does, it is not feeling guilty about protecting your energy, taking time off, focusing on self care, and practicing self-love by living your values. Staying shameless is staying in the moment when times get tough. Staying shameless is using self-soothing skills to regulate emotions, and not escape through unhealthy coping mechanisms. Staying shameless is not only about setting boundaries, it's also about holding boundaries and keeping yourself accountable for holding them. Staying shameless means not tolerating any abuse, neglect, or shame patterns or behaviors from yourself or even other people in your life. Staying shameless means working on mastering your negative or limiting beliefs and engaging in positive self-talk or something that is more neutral or self-compassion skills. Staying shameless means being able to connect with your feelings. Allow yourself to cry, sit with those emotions, and not apologize for them. Staying shameless means learning how to talk about sex with no stress, how to tell a partner about an STI/STD, how to stay present during sex, discuss what you desire and require sexually, and when sex, sexuality, or gender changes. Staying shameless means utilizing accurate and the right kind of repair attempts, admitting when you're wrong for things in life, and accepting responsibility for your actions. Staying shameless is living your life purpose, remembering what your why is for doing this, and how you are taking steps towards your goals. Staying shameless means being your original self, owning your voice, words, who the fuck you are and not trying to be like anyone else boo! Staying shameless means putting your money where your mouth is, don’t talk about it, being about it, and doing the damn thing with aspirations in life! Take those steps towards those goals. No challenge, no change! It is not bitching or complaining about things in life, it is about changing your life’s circumstances today. It's about getting out there and following your heart's innermost desire. Tomorrow is not guaranteed to you or me which is important when it comes to the gift of life and the life that we lead and how we choose to lead it.
What is Shame?
When it comes to shame and answering the question of, “what is shame?” there’s a lot to unpack here. A lot of times, people don't realize that working on our shame and doing shame exercises is a consistent thing we have to work on in life. This is due to the fact that shame is a huge part of experiencing complex trauma. Complex trauma can be manipulation, gaslighting, coercion, and other psychological, emotional, intellectual, or financial abuse tactics. Make sure to read my previous blog regarding signs you are dealing with shame to learn more. When it comes to shame and the different types of triggers or things that can get under our skin, we have to work on these. When we don't work on shame, then these cycles of abuse continue to perpetuate themselves. This can come down to communication, what we say, how we say it, body language, tone of voice, cues, and more. This is why communication, comprehension, implementation clarification, and sticking to an inner conversation when times get tough are so important. When it comes to shame, a lot of times people don't realize how what we say and how we say it can be shaming and abusing other people. We might gaslight, manipulate, coerce, neglect, or not even realize the words that are coming out of our mouths toward others. We may talk down to them as if they are a child when they are an adult. We may say you’re crazy or it’s all in your head. We may say that wasn’t even a big deal. All of this screams shame and it comes down to how we communicate. Make sure you grab my freebie Shameless Communication Skills Guide on the pop-up on my website. It has so many tools to help everyone start and continue to stay shameless!
Shame Exercises & Shame Reflection Questions
Shame is embedded into various aspects and areas of our life. This is why it is so important to do and be with our shame work and shame exercises. A lot of times the people that are the closest ones to us tend to shame us the most. If and when that happens, it is our job to speak up, advocate for ourselves, and shamelessly assert our boundaries in those situations. It is about teaching people how they can treat you. It is also important to talk about how things made us feel when it comes to communication and hold space for the other people involved in the conversation. We need to learn to be able to tolerate when we communicate. We do this through coping and self-soothing skills for relaxation of our nervous system, along with flight, fight, freeze, and fawn behaviors that can occur. People can have the best intentions in the world and can make the worst impact. Intention does not equal impact. We need to learn to slow the fuck down, be present, self-aware and mindful in these moments when and how we are talking to others. We need to try to understand the following self-reflection questions when communicating shamelessly.
Are the words that come out of my mouth right now, are they helpful or are they harmful? Would I want someone to say that to me? How would I want to be spoken to instead? What is more helpful?
How can I put myself in this other person's shoes to feel, think, and try to understand accurate empathy?
What skills can I practice here if I feel nervous, stressed, or anxious? If I've had past trauma or complex trauma, how do I make sure I continue to stay present in my body, in this conversation, and in this moment with the other person/people? How can I hold myself accountable to not flee, fawn, or freeze in a situation? How can I ground my energy and come back to the present moment?
What self-compassion can I offer to that other person?
There are so many shame exercises and tools that can be extremely helpful for anyone in the world. I’ve created so many that can help other therapists, coaches, consultants, or other individuals in the helping industry that I love providing clinical case consultation. For those of you that want more information on this or a consultation feel free to reach out to me in regards to this. When I say stay shameless this means we are doing and being with this work. It is not rushing the process. It is not excusing one’s behavior due to their childhood upbringing. It is not blaming it on trauma, grief and loss, life cycle transitions, your age, or mental health symptoms. It is not projecting, deflecting, minimizing, displacing, reducing, controlling, or using any other defense mechanism or shame tactic to not do and be with this work. It is not avoiding a situation and then coming back to that person like it never happened. It is about doing and being with your shame work to start staying shameless.
How To Stay Shameless: Do & Be With Your Shame Exercises Pleasurework!
When it comes to shame exercises, it can be a lot of work. Sometimes it can feel like homework, which can have a negative connotation to it. It is important to take care of ourselves as best we can, practice self care, and create some Pleasure out of this work, aka Pleasurework :) Enjoy a lovely cup of coffee, tea, have a comfortable outfit on, a fuzzy blanket for soothing touch, light a candle, drink water, or have anything else around when self-soothing and creating a pleasurable space. Here is a piece of my story on how I had to practice and engage in shame exercises and made the work pleasurable. When I thought about leaping into private practice, I got shamed. People who were the closest to me encouraged me, connected me, and also shamed me. Someone who I'm extremely close to in my life said to me, do you think that's a good idea? This was an opportunity that presented itself for me to shamelessly advocate and assert my boundaries. I told this person, that questioning me is not supportive when I'm creating this brand new dream life for myself. I am excited to be my boss, create my schedule, and work with the clients I wanted to damn it! That was thrilling and exciting, and I was thriving standing in my fucking power and advocating for myself. That’s what Pleasurework is all about. Sometimes this is also called projection when people want to project or even display their insecurities, fears, worries, anxiety, or stress onto another person when it's not for them to hold. That is not okay. I had to call this shame out in a healthy way and say I did not appreciate that comment. I believe in myself, this is the best time and opportunity to leap into private practice. Almost three years later, with my business after leaving a group practice and going 100% on my own, I can safely say that that was the best decision of my life. The thing about shame is that it's covert and it's overt. When it's right in your face like that person had said to me, that's overt. When it's covert, sometimes it's that double take wait what moment and it takes longer to process our emotions, thoughts, and sensations in our bodies and respond. It is important though to recognize the shame and to not let it fester stew or to avoid, control, project, displace it, or use any other form of defense mechanism or shame tactics as psychological or emotional abuse on the other person. This is me telling you to not let anybody gaslight you your emotions, your intuition, or your future. Trust yourself, believe in yourself because at the end of the day, whatever is right for you boo it's going to be the best decision you ever made! You are the one living this life for yourself and nobody else.
So this is me, Jackie Golob, a Sex Therapist, Coach, Consultant, Reiki Practitioner, Astrologer, Blogger, Vlogger, Creative, a person who low-key hates fucking labels for myself, as I am just a person sharing with you my shameless truth.
If there was anything that triggered you in this blog, that may be a sign that you might need to work on some things or shame exercises. If so, please feel free to reach out to me and I hope that this inspired anyone out there who's reading this to stay shameless.
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