How Often Do Couples Have Sex? | A Sex Coach Answers
A Sex Coach Answers, How Often Do Couples Have Sex?
One of the most common questions that I get as a Sex and Intimacy Coach is, "How often should we be having sex?" Or, more specifically, "How often do other couples have sex?" It's a question loaded with anxiety and curiosity, often driven by a desire to compare their sex life to some perceived "norm." In reality, the answer varies significantly from couple to couple, and what matters most is what feels right for you and your partner. This blog will explore the shameless truth of the frequency of sex in relationships, the factors that influence it, and why there is no one-size-fits-all answer.
What the Statistics Say About Sexual Frequency
When discussing how often couples have sex, it's helpful to start with some statistics to provide context. According to a 2017 study published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior, the average American adult has sex about once a week, or approximately 54 times a year (Twenge et al., 2017).
According to data reported by The Knot (n.d.), sexual frequency among couples varies widely:
9% of respondents indicated they do not engage in sexual activity at all.
10% reported having sex only once or twice a year.
18% said they have sex about once a month.
21% noted they engage in sexual activity two to three times a month.
19% reported having sex once a week.
16% indicated they have sex two to three times per week.
7% of respondents have sex more than three times per week.
According to research conducted in 2020, the percentage of adults aged 18 to 44 who engage in weekly sexual activity with a steady partner varies by gender and sexual orientation:Heterosexual men: 50.8% to 55.8%
Heterosexual women: 52.6% to 57.2%
Gay, lesbian, or bisexual men: 32.8% to 53.7%
Gay, lesbian, or bisexual women: 44.7% to 59.2%
However, the frequency of sex varies greatly depending on several factors, including age, relationship status, and life circumstances. For instance, younger couples tend to engage in sexual activities more frequently. According to a 2017 study published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior, the average American adult has sex about once a week, or approximately 54 times a year (Twenge et al., 2017), The study noted that 37% of men and 52% of women aged 18–24 reported having sex weekly or more, compared to 50% of men and 53% of women aged 35–44. However, after the age of 50, the frequency of sex generally decreases, influenced by factors such as health, menopause, or the length of the relationship.
Couples with children also tend to have less sex compared to those without children or single individuals. Parenting responsibilities, fatigue, and the need to balance family life can significantly reduce opportunities for sexual intimacy.
Factors That Influence Sexual Frequency
Sexual frequency is influenced by a variety of factors, many of which are unique to each couple. Here are some key considerations:
1. Age and Life Stage
As highlighted in the Archives of Sexual Behavior study, age plays a crucial role in determining how often couples have sex. Younger couples, especially those in their 20s, tend to have more frequent sex. According to the study, younger adults are in a stage of life where sexual exploration and physical intimacy are often at their peak.
However, as couples age, other life stages, such as menopause, health issues, or simply the comfort that comes with long-term companionship, can impact how often they engage in sexual activities. It's important to note that a decrease in frequency does not necessarily mean a decrease in sexual satisfaction.
2. Presence of Children
Parenting can significantly reduce the time and energy available for sexual intimacy. Couples with young children often find themselves too exhausted for frequent sex, and their schedules may not align. However, this doesn't mean their relationship is any less fulfilling; it just requires more creativity and planning to find time for intimacy.
3. Sexual Satisfaction
Sexual dissatisfaction can also impact how often couples have sex. If one partner feels that their needs are not being met or if there is a significant discrepancy in sexual desire, this can lead to a reduction in sexual frequency. Shamelessly effective communication is essential in addressing these issues. Couples who openly discuss their desires, boundaries, and preferences are more likely to maintain a fulfilling sex life, regardless of frequency.
4. Communication
Healthy communication is the cornerstone of a healthy sexual relationship. Couples who can talk openly about their sexual needs and desires are more likely to have a satisfying sex life. On the other hand, couples who struggle with communication may find that their sexual frequency decreases over time, as unspoken frustrations or unmet needs create distance between partners.
How Often Should a Married Couple Make Love?
There is no magical number when it comes to how often a married couple should make love. Some couples might have sex several times a week, while others might only engage in sexual activities a few times a month or even less. What matters most is that both partners feel satisfied with their sex life. Masturbation is also a normal part of a healthy sexual relationship. It's worth noting that individual libidos can differ, and masturbation can be a way to fulfill sexual needs when one partner's desire doesn't match the other's. This is a topic often discussed in couples' sex therapy, where partners learn to navigate their sexual differences in a way that works for their relationship.
The Reality of Sexless Marriages
A sexless marriage, often defined as having sex less than 10 times a year, is more common than many people realize. It’s important to understand that a sexless marriage does not necessarily indicate a failed relationship. Some couples are perfectly content with little to no sex, especially if other aspects of their relationship, such as emotional intimacy and companionship, are strong. This is true of many folks who are Asexual or on this continuum with their sexuality. A great book to read or learn more about this is ACE by Angela Chen. However, for others, a lack of sex can lead to feelings of frustration, loneliness, or even resentment. If sexual frequency (or the lack thereof) becomes a point of contention, it may be helpful to consult an intimacy coach or couples therapist. These professionals can help couples explore the underlying issues and find solutions that work for both partners. In couples sex and intimacy coaching, that coach is going to give you directive feedback, exercises to increase intimacy, and explore sex more. Sex therapy dives deep into the past, which can create stuckness, and stagnancy in goals, and direction. Sex therapy is better for wounding patterns of attachment in relationships and how to heal, whereas sex coaching is a helpful tool to focus on the future and change right away.
How Often Do Couples in Their 20s Make Love?
Couples in their 20s are generally more sexually active than those in older age groups. The combination of youthful energy, fewer responsibilities, and the excitement of new relationships often leads to more frequent sexual activity. However, even within this age group, the frequency of sex can vary widely depending on factors such as lifestyle, stress levels, and individual libido. It's essential for young couples to communicate openly about their sexual wants and to avoid comparing themselves to others. Remember, there is no "normal" when it comes to sex frequency, and what works for one couple might not work for another.
A Sex Coach’s Feedback: Embrace What Works for You
As a sex coach, one of the most important pieces of advice I can give is to embrace what works for you and your partner. There is no one-size-fits-all answer to the question, "How often do couples have sex?" The most important thing is that both partners feel satisfied and fulfilled, whether that means having sex daily, weekly, monthly, or less frequently. It's also important to remember that the definition of sex can vary between individuals and couples. For some, sex might mean traditional intercourse, while for others, it might include oral sex, anal sex, or even intimate touch that doesn't involve penetration. What matters most is that you and your partner are on the same page and that your sexual activities bring you closer together. The frequency of sex in a relationship is influenced by many factors, including age, life stage, communication, and individual sexual satisfaction. While it's natural to wonder how often other couples have sex, it's crucial to focus on what feels right for you and your partner. Sexuality is deeply personal, and what works for one couple may not work for another. Whether you’re having sex every day, once a week, or a few times a year, the key is to maintain open communication and a mutual understanding of each other's needs and desires. If you're struggling with differences in sexual desire or satisfaction, consider seeking the guidance of a couples therapist or intimacy coach. These professionals can help you navigate the complexities of your sexual relationship and find a balance that works for both partners. Ultimately, the goal is to create a sex life that is fulfilling, enjoyable, and tailored to your unique relationship.
I hope this blog helped you answer the question of, How often do couples have sex? and that you found a little comfort in the subjectivity of this question.
Remember that you’re doing what’s best for you and your partner’s sexual health. Sexual self-care matters. You matter. Your partner(s)/spouse matters.
Stay Shameless
If you have any questions about these or need a recommendation regarding your care, then please feel free to book an email consultation with me to get your questions answered!
If you’re wanting to work with me 1:1 book a phone consultation here.
Want more? Sign up for my newsletter here for all the Shameless News & Updates!
**PSSST: There will be lots more shameless tips and freebies on here!! Sign up now! Big things are coming…
Check out the following services to work with me 1:1…
Consultation For Providers
Sexual Wellness Coaching
Sex Astrology Birth Chart Reading
If you are seeking Sexual Wellness Coaching Services or Holistic Healing Services, click on those links! If you are a therapist in Minneapolis or outside of Minnesota and seeking Consultation Services, Pick Your Brain 1:1 Consultation, or a Speaker or Trainer for Your Next Workshop, I can help here too!
Let’s get started on your Shameless Goals in Minneapolis, MN today!
References
Twenge, J. M., Sherman, R. A., & Wells, B. E. (2017). Declines in Sexual Frequency among American Adults, 1989–2014. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 46(8), 2389-2401. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-017-0953-1
The Knot. (n.d.). How Often Do Couples Have Sex? Here's What Experts Say. Retrieved from https://www.theknot.com/content/how-often-couples-have-sex
Medical News Today. (2023). How often do couples have sex? Retrieved from https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/how-often-do-couples-have-sex
