How to Schedule Sex: A Sex Coach Shares Insights
Hey shameless squad! Happy Sexual Wellness Month, aka September. If you’re like me, you’re ready for the fall weather, leaves changing, and cozying up next to the fire, along with a warm beverage to sooth your mood. Or maybe get you into the mood! Let’s spill the shameless sexualiTEA and talk about scheduling sex! In the hustle and bustle of modern life, it can be challenging for individuals and couples to find the time and energy for intimacy. With busy work schedules, family responsibilities, and personal stressors, making time for sex can often fall to the bottom of the priority list. However, scheduling sex is more than just finding a time slot in your calendar—it’s an act of sexual self-care that can significantly enhance your relationship. In this blog, we’ll explore the benefits of scheduling sex, share expert tips from a sex coach, and discuss how intimacy coaching and online coaching can support your journey toward a more fulfilling sex life.
How To Create a Sex Schedule: Things To Consider
Creating a sex schedule might seem straightforward, but there are some essential factors to keep in mind to ensure it’s successful:
Libido: Consider when your sexual libido is at an all-time high, medium, and low? Ask your partner(s) this schedule too, and if you have opposite libido schedules, consider if you need more intimacy to get in the mood or solo or partnered foreplay.
Schedule: Think about your week ahead and consider what times are 100% nonnegotiable for sex. Then do the opposite with free time that is present, and negotiate times for sex. Make sure you compromise, and try to have it planned for 2-3 times in case something happens.
Type Of Sex: This is a great consideration of the type of sex you are having. How long does it take? Be honest with yourself here, there’s nothing worse than having to rush after sex onto the wedding, weekend event, or kid’s activity. Also, consider the types of sex and how often you are planning for these. This will range based on your and your partner’s definitions of sex.
Solo Sexual Self Care: If you aren’t planning for this on your calendar, you may want to. Sexual self care includes activities of intimacy, pleasure, and sex. These are not synonymous and it can enhance libido if you plan for these activities as well. With sexual self care for yourself, you’ll be calmer, more relaxed, and maybe even excited for sex! Think through what kind of sexual self care activity you want to do and be with. Is it taking pleasure in something you love? Is it being intimate in the bathtub with yourself? Is it reading smut, watching erotica, or masturbating? These are all different examples. Make sure to mix it up!
Medications: If you are taking medications, be sure to track symptoms with libido throughout the day. Are there times you’re more tired? More energized? Is it a small window? Take note of this and think this one through. If you are on medications that influence your libido, check with your doctor or prescriber if there can be any changes. SSRIs have been known to diminish sexual libido after 6 months. Be sure to communicate with doctors and partner(s) boo!
Menstruation: If you or a partner menstruates, think about your schedule throughout the month. Be sure to note how long periods last, when you are fertile in case you are/n’t trying to get pregnant, types of birth control, and when the best times for you are to have sex.
Openness to New Experiences: Just because something hasn’t worked in the past doesn’t mean it won’t work now. Be open to trying new things and adapting your schedule based on what works best for both of you.
Regular Check-Ins: Communication doesn’t stop once the schedule is set. Regularly check in with your partner to discuss what’s working and what might need adjustment. This ongoing dialogue is crucial for maintaining a healthy and satisfying sex life. Create a ritual for sexual self care with your partner(s) and schedule it weekly, just like you are sex.
Kindness and Patience: Remember that scheduling sex is about enhancing your relationship, not creating additional pressure. Be kind to yourself and your partner as you navigate this new approach to intimacy.
Why Scheduling Sex Is a Vital Part of Sexual Self-Care
Sexual self-care is about prioritizing your sexual health and well-being, and scheduling sex is a powerful tool in this practice. Contrary to what some might think, scheduling sex doesn’t make it less spontaneous or exciting; instead, it ensures that both partners are on the same page and can look forward to intimate moments together. Here’s why scheduling sex can be a game-changer for your relationship:
Consistency and Accountability: When you schedule sex, you and your partner commit to making time for each other regularly. This consistency fosters a deeper connection and helps you stay accountable to one another.
Reduced Pressure: By setting aside specific times for sex, you alleviate the pressure to find the “perfect moment.” This can reduce anxiety and allow both partners to relax and enjoy the experience.
Enhanced Communication: Scheduling sex encourages open communication about your desires, preferences, and any concerns you might have. This ongoing dialogue is crucial for maintaining a healthy and satisfying sex life.
Anticipation and Excitement: Knowing that you have a special time set aside for intimacy can build anticipation and excitement. It can turn scheduled sex into a highly anticipated event, adding a new layer of passion to your relationship.
When Should Couples Consider Scheduling Sex?
One of the most common questions that intimacy coaches hear is, “When should we schedule sex?” The answer is simple: all the time! Scheduling sex is beneficial in various scenarios, but here are a few specific instances where it can be particularly helpful:
Busy Schedules: If you and your partner have demanding jobs or other time-consuming commitments, scheduling sex ensures that intimacy doesn’t get lost in the shuffle. Look at your calendars and find times when your schedules are lighter to plan for sex.
Desire Discrepancies: If one partner has a higher sex drive than the other, scheduling sex can help bridge the gap. It creates a compromise where both partners’ needs are considered.
Reconnecting: If you’ve been feeling disconnected from your partner, scheduling sex can be a way to rekindle your connection. It provides a dedicated time to focus on each other without distractions.
When Might Scheduling Sex Not Be Beneficial?
While scheduling sex has many advantages, there are situations where it might not be the best approach. According to sex therapist Emily Nagoski, it’s essential to address the stress response cycle before attempting to schedule sex. If either partner is dealing with unresolved stress or mental health triggers, they may not be in the right headspace for sex. In such cases, it’s crucial to focus on coping with stress and mental health before putting sex on the calendar. Forcing sex when one or both partners are stressed can lead to negative experiences and further disconnect. It is also considered nonconsensual sex at this point.
Handling Differences in Desire for Scheduled Sex
What if one partner is enthusiastic about scheduling sex, but the other isn’t on board? This is where communication, connection, and compromise come into play. Relationships require effort from both parties and if one partner dismisses the idea without consideration, it could be a red flag for deeper issues. To navigate this situation:
Be Flexible: Encourage your partner to keep an open mind and be willing to try scheduling sex as an experiment. It’s important to set ground rules and discuss how it might benefit your relationship.
Seek Professional Support: If you’re struggling to reach a compromise, consider seeking help from a sex coach or intimacy coach. These professionals can guide you through the process and help you find solutions that work for both partners.
Be Mindful Of Comparision: A lot of times, people want to ask, how often should couples have sex? Read my previous blog for more. There is no “right” or “wrong” number of times a couple should have sex each week or month. The frequency of sex depends on various factors, including individual sexual libidos, lifestyle, stress levels, and personal preferences. The key is to avoid putting unrealistic “sexpectations” on yourself or your partner. Sexual desire can be spontaneous or responsive, and comparing your sex life to others can lead to unnecessary pressure and dissatisfaction.
What to Do If You’re Not Satisfied with Your Sex LifeIf you’re not happy with the amount of sex you’re having, there are a few steps you can take:
Masturbation: Solo sex is the most common sexual activity and an essential part of sexual self-care. It’s a way to explore your desires and understand what feels good for you. If you’re unsure where to start, consider seeking guidance from a sex coach or intimacy coach.
Schedule Sex: Give scheduling sex a try. Be flexible, create rules around it, and understand that it might take some time to find what works best for you and your partner.
Seek Professional Support: If you’re struggling to improve your sex life on your own, consider working with a sex coach or intimacy coach. These professionals can provide personalized guidance and support to help you achieve a more satisfying sex life.
Scheduling sex is not about reducing spontaneity; it’s about prioritizing intimacy and making sure you and your partner stay connected. By taking control of your sexual self-care, you can enhance your relationship and ensure that both partners’ needs are met. Whether you’re working with an intimacy coach, exploring online coaching, or simply trying out new strategies on your own, the key is to remain open, communicative, and patient. Remember, there’s no magic number when it comes to how often couples should have sex—what matters most is that you and your partner find what works best for you.
So, the next time you feel like your sex life is taking a backseat, pull out your calendar, schedule some quality time, and watch how this simple act can transform your relationship. Happy scheduling!
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