How The Power of Self Love Makes You Feel Sexy
Self Love Isn’t Selfish
Happy Women's History Month! Hey everyone, sex therapist, Jackie here blogging from Minneapolis, Minnesota. I hope you all have been doing well during this first quarter of the year with the alignment of your goals, your hopes, your dreams, and your self-care. Today's blog is all about the power of self-love and the benefits of loving yourself boo! A lot of the time as a sex therapist in Minneapolis what I see in my clients, mainly women, is they present with anxiety, maybe some struggles with depression, and really they do not know how to love themselves. I see this quite often with women that I work within sex therapy and therapy in Minneapolis, Minnesota. Sometimes people think sex therapy is only about sex when really there's much more work that needs to be done underneath the surface. RuPaul knew what he was talking about with his infamous quote of if you don’t love yourself, how in the hell are you going to love anyone else? As a sex therapist in Minneapolis, here’s what I see that’s happening above the surface, maybe it's sex therapy, talking about pleasure, BDSM,/Kink, sex toys, lube, mindfulness, slowing down intimacy, and more things that sex therapists talk to their clients about. Really, this work is done underneath the surface, there's a lot of sexual self-healing, healing of shame, guilt, even figuring out how do we have a relationship with ourselves. How do we learn to love ourselves you ask? For me as a sex therapist in Minneapolis, this has been an interesting theme I've seen with a lot of my clients that are seeking out sex therapy in Minnesota. I noticed how most of the time people will come in because they're so afraid and scared to talk about sex, and they don't necessarily recognize what is leading them to that thought in the first place. Most of the time, we have to be able to work with our mindset in sex therapy to then be able to heal the self and establish a healthy relationship with our mind, body, and soul. What I see with women, is we are the caretakers, the givers, the people-pleasers, have an inner critic, anxiety if we don’t do it all, mom guilt may set it, and more. Since it is women’s history month, I decided to write this blog specifically for women out there who want to know more about how to love themselves. If you take anything away from this blog, please know this, self-love isn’t selfish, it’s when we show up to take care of ourselves that we can fully be present for others. Don’t get me wrong, this can be for any gender out there, so take or leave the self-love tips I have below, boo! So today's blog is all about how to focus on more self-love and the benefits of doing so.
What is Self Love Called?
Self-love may sound like a cliche concept and truly may be a hard question to answer for yourself. When I work with folks in self-esteem counseling I notice a lot of people questioning what this means. *Tip: Self-love cannot be defined by someone else for you, but only you. You have to understand what your definition of self-love means. What would it look like if you woke up every morning and showed yourself some self-love? What would change in your daily routine? How would you know that you were practicing self-love? These can be some helpful reflection questions when thinking about this more.
Why is Self Love Important?
As to why self-love is important is because the relationship we have with ourselves is the longest one we’ll ever be in. When you don’t like you, being with you, dating you, being intimate with you, or having solo sex with you, why would anyone else want to? It’s important because when we know how to love and show up for ourselves, we feel better. We feel sexier, confident, and our self-esteem can boost. Now, not saying self-love is a one-and-done concept, you have to put in the effort to love yourself every day. As a sex therapist, I’ve read tons of articles, journals, novels, and more on self-love psychology. The results are in, the sexiest thing that our partners, friends, and loved ones like to see in us is being confident at gatherings, showing up with our heads held high, and having zero questions of who we are. Self-love is a confidence booster. This theme of self-love and sexual self-care tie in together when it relates to knowing yourself is sexy and being yourself is sexy. This is why self-love IS sexy y’all!! Self-love is also important because how you treat yourself, determines how others treat you. Take no one’s shit. Hold boundaries. Say how you feel. And have a fuck it moment where you’re going to do what’s best for you at the moment!! As I always say, you do you boo!
Self Love Habits
Here are some self-love habits that the sex therapist in Minneapolis loves to share when it comes to self-love and fostering a relationship with yourself!
Self Love Habits: One, establish a morning routine that's going to be most beneficial for you. Not one that's beneficial for your friend, family member, dog, or loved one. Find what you wake up for in the morning. What gets you excited to start your day. For me, it's balancing out self-care with my oracle cards and having two different decks the Starseed Oracle and the Self-Care Oracle. I spray my Cancer zodiac spray, light my Cancer candle, use my crystals, journal 3 things I’m grateful for, meditate, check the moon cycle, my horoscope, drink tea and that's how I start my day. Find what works for you to be sure that you plan different types of self-love activities during the day.
Self Love Habits: Two when it comes to more self-love during the day, plan things that you really enjoy. Cook a meal, have that morning tea or a cup of coffee. Try a new recipe, restaurant, or plan meal times as something you schedule with yourself to take a self-care break. The fact that food is not a love language by now fucking astonishes me, can we say waffles?? YES!
Self Love Habits: Three, look at yourself in the mirror honey! Really look, slow down, and ask yourself, how do I want to show up for me today? What do I want to do? How can I create more self-love today? Incorporate practicing affirmations, setting boundaries with yourself, wear an outfit that makes you feel sexy as hell or good or comfortable in your pocket. Another great resource I’ve picked up for mirror work is Mel Robbin’s High Five Habit. Try giving yourself a High Five in the mirror every time you go past one. Pick up this book today to learn more, you won’t regret it!
Self Love Habits: Four, don’t let your inner critic beat you up!! Speak nicely to yourself and not like an asshole. A lot of the time, therapists in Minneapolis will talk about the “I should,” as the ultimate cuss words that our clients use during sessions when we should on ourselves. It induces shame, blame, and guilt. This happens so quickly and so fast that we don't even realize that we make ourselves feel bad. So catch yourself with the shirts and flip that with, I could do this today. Not I should do this today. Fun fact if you use that one if you're in a partnered relationship or if you have kiddos or friends or communicating with other people, that other person will get defensive in that conversation. So should is a harsh word that automatically induces blame, shame, and guilt. Watch out for that one.
Self Love Habits: Five, be kind to yourself! Read that picture above, out loud, and say it to yourself three times if you need to!! Try slowing down and saying it, “I am going to be kind to myself today,” or even “I am focusing on my goals today.” Or my fave, I will slay all day or I’m a boss ass bitch!!
Self Love Habits: Six, date yourself, really date yourself! Block time on the calendar, put your phone on do not disturb mode, and take yourself on a date! If you were to imagine and envision an entire day for yourself, what would you do? Where would you go? When we take ourselves on a date, we can learn a lot about how we refill our cup, relax, and what activities we love to do! Maybe one day it’s a solo sexual self-care day, you shop for some sexual self-care item, maybe masturbate, and experiment with sex. Maybe another day it is going to a coffee shop in Minneapolis, curling up with a good book, and being cozy next to a fireplace. Maybe it is going to a restaurant by yourself, noticing the meal to its fullest, ordering whatever the hell you want, and indulging in some yummy food! Whatever it is, dating yourself is like having sex with yourself, if you don’t know how to do it, why would you expect someone else to. It’s important to learn to love ourselves and learn what that is like, so we can communicate it to others. That’s where self-love and sexual self-care and confidence tie into your power!
Remember: There is no shame in the self-love game! I hope this self-love blog, self-love habits, and everything was helpful from a sex therapist’s perspective and that you found out some ways to incorporate more self-love throughout your day! Feel free to come back for the next blog that is gonna be on how to plan a self-care day for yourself!
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